eDating Fun – Rejection, Phase II

My favorite rejection is the mutual kind: where two individuals meet and both can tell that there’s just no chemistry or common ground.  At the end of the date, there’s a slightly awkward hug and someone says, “It was really great meeting you, I’ll talk to you soon,” but both parties know there will be no further communication. That’s the easy kind – the peaceful kind. Unfortunately, it rarely works this way, and someone has to do the dirty work of letting the other person know there’s just no interest.

The easiest way for the uninterested party to go about doing this is to just ignore all calls, emails, and texts from the other person and passively hope he/she gets the not-so-subtle hint.  But let’s face it – as effortless as this route is, not only is it the more cowardly path, but the person being rejected oftentimes doesn’t understand.  So how do we gracefully reject someone?

The Rejection Text

In this world of technology, it seems like even the phone is an enemy when it comes to rejection.  Even if you choose not to answer the phone you can still receive rejection texts.  Sassy Pants received this text message after a first date she thought went incredibly well:

“I had a good time but felt more of a friendship type chemistry.”

This is not something a girl wants to hear after what she thought was a successful evening.  While this guy doesn’t get any points for tact, he definitely gets credit for being direct and straightforward.

Mugsy also shared a rejection text with me. She received this one after a first date where he chose to meet up with her in a sports bar to “watch the game”.  Contrary to assumptions about how it would go based on the venue, she actually enjoyed talking to him.  This was his text to her the following day:

“It was a fine time.  Thanks for the company.”

What exactly does that mean? Mugsy assumed it meant he wasn’t that interested and wrote him off, but it would have been a bit more courteous if he could have been more clear about it.

I also have received rejection texts.  My favorite came from a man I’d been seeing once or twice per week for a little longer than a month.  I enjoyed his company, and though I definitely did not consider our dating to be “serious”, I figured there would be no harm in inviting him to one of my dinner parties.  About two hours before the party started while I was out  grocery shopping, I received this text message from him:

“Help! I don’t know what to do. I really like you but I don’t feel like I can have a relationship with you right now. I thought I was ready to start dating, but I can’t stop thinking about my ex.  I don’t feel like I’m ready for a girlfriend.  I feel like if I show up at your house for your party I’ll be leading you on.”

In this scenario, I was less annoyed by the rejection and more irritated by the inconvenience of having to adjust things last minute for a party I’d been planning all week.  Really, couldn’t he have had an emotional breakdown one day earlier?  I was also rather alarmed by his use of words like “relationship” and “girlfriend”, when in my mind we were definitely just “dating”.

I do salute two of these men for having the balls to send a clear message about no longer being interested – so many take the easier path – but I am not impressed with text messages as a tool for rejection.  Cell phones go with you everywhere, essentially meaning you are NEVER safe from rejection.  I guarantee the person sending the message doesn’t think about where you are, what you’re doing, or if rejection is convenient at that particular moment.   I was in the supermarket when I received the above message.  What if I had been at work when I received it?  What if I had been really hurt and upset by his rejection and in a place where it could have negatively affected other aspects of my life?

The Rejection Email

My preference for rejection is email.  First of all, more thought tends to go into an email than a quick text message. Secondly, email (especially eHarmony email) is something you can check when you’re sitting down in the privacy and comfort of your own home. So what makes an adequate rejection email?  Sassy Pants, who we’ve already established is infinitely kinder than myself, gave me an example of a rejection email she sent:

“I really enjoy you and find it easy to connect with you but am increasingly doubtful that we are a good romantic match. You are a stellar human and I’m really impressed with all the things you’ve done and tried in your life. It was funny to me that you were concerned about sharing some of your adventures and I was just more and more impressed with you. I think though that there is probably someone out there for you that is a better match than me…someone who will share your passion for exercise and sweets!

Sigh. Not sure how to close this… It seems lame and almost unkind to say let’s be friends so I’m not going to do that. I do sincerely think you’re an amazing man and I wish you well.”

I think this is a phenomenal rejection email. Sassy Pants made sure he knew she thought very highly of him, respected him, and found him incredibly interesting, while making it clear that though she liked him, it wasn’t a good romantic match.  I don’t think I’ve been nearly so kind in my rejection emails.  Below is an example of one I sent to someone after we had an absolutely horrible date. I was certain he’d never reach out to me again, but when he emailed me for another date, this is how I responded:

“Thanks for driving all the way up to my neck of the woods. It was really great meeting you, but I don’t think a romantic relationship will be possible for us. Best of luck to you!”

Granted, this is not nearly as sweet and kind as the letter Sassy Pants sent, but it was a terrible date… Okay…I admit it. I probably could have been more tactful.

The best rejection email I ever received came from a guy I had been emailing with nearly every day for two weeks. We had a lot of chemistry while emailing and I was excited to meet him.  We met for coffee and had a lot to talk about – so much so that a quick cup of coffee turned into nearly three hours of caffeinated conversation.  I really liked him and wanted to see him again, so I sent him an email to make another date.  This is what I received back from him:

“I had a really great time chatting with you as well.  You are an extremely cool and interesting woman, as well as a great catch!  I find myself not feeling that a romantic relationship is in the cards for us, but if you are interested in staying in touch anyway, I would love to (if not, that’s OK too), because you rock. Let me know your thoughts, if any!”

This was so masterfully written that it *almost* took the sting out of being rejected by someone I really liked.  Somehow, he managed to make me feel good about myself while turning me down – talk about genius!  I responded with how impressed I was by his email and that I plan to use it as a template for future rejections.

The Wisdom?

I have met so many fun and fascinating people through edating, but so far none of them have been the right fit for me – or I haven’t been the right fit for them.  Rejection isn’t an easy thing – no one likes dishing it because no one likes receiving it – but in the world of edating (and dating, in general), it’s entirely unavoidable.  I’ve found that though being rejected is unpleasant, I’d much rather know, under no uncertain terms, he’s not interested.  Someone who takes the time to craft a thoughtful rejection maintains my respect.

I try to hold myself to the same standards, but I often think that doing the rejecting is more difficult than being rejected. Sometimes they respond with nothing – which is fine.  Sometimes they write back wishing me luck, as well – and that’s always nice. Sometimes they respond very rudely – and that only helps justify my decision.  The ones who make it painful are the men who take the rejection all too personally, are hurt by it, and want to talk through their feelings about it – and maybe even try to convince me to change my mind.  I have no idea how to explain to them that rejection is actually a kindness that allows both parties to go off in search of a better fit.

So, I pose these questions to you, dear reader.  How do you prefer to give/receive rejection? Do you have any examples of rejections you’d like to share? Again, feel free to comment under an alias or email anything you’d like me to post to meghan.s.shaw@gmail.com.


eDating Fun – Used Fish

For today’s eDating story, I’m temporarily abandoning my shoe analogy for the worn-in maritime “many fish in the sea” analogy.  It appears that though there may be many fish in the sea, there aren’t quite so many in the eHarmony dating pool.

Twice Hooked:

The inevitable day finally came when Sassy Pants and I were set up with the same fellow.  We made this discovery while she and I were enjoying a sunny rooftop lunch together, discussing work, friends, and of course, dating.  Sassy Pants mentioned that she had a date scheduled for the following evening and began describing the man she was going to meet.  After comparing notes, we determined without doubt that he was the same person I went out with a few times a couple months earlier.

My Encounter:

The fellow, who will quasi-affectionately be referred to as Mr. Collins (a not-so-subtle Pride and Prejudice allusion), seemed to be nice enough.  He was decent-looking, creative, articulate, and I enjoyed exchanging emails and IMs with him.  In theory, he should have been a great fit for me.  However, in practice, I just didn’t feel…anything.  Conversing with Mr. Collins in person bored me out of my mind.  I went out with him multiple times, hoping that perhaps chemistry would appear over time, but it just never did.  Finally, I had to tell Mr. Collins “thanks, but no thanks” and I wished him all the best. He, unfortunately, didn’t share my desire to call it a day and this led to some bitter exchanges.

The Dilemma:

Bitter exchanges alone would be no reason for Sassy Pants to not go out with Mr. Collins.  Hesitation only came when it dawned on us that I was in a photo she used on her profile and she even directly referred to me in her profile text.  What was this guy up to? Did he honestly just not notice? Was he playing some psychotic game?  A far kinder person than I, Sassy Pants decided to send him an email telling him what we discovered.  (I had been leaning more towards an elaborate and hysterical plot.)  It turned out that he completely overlooked Sassy Pants’ connection to me and it was just an honest coincidence.  The date was still on!

Her Encounter:

Sassy Pants found Mr. Collins to be far more interesting and engaging than I did, and liked him well enough to be open to another date.  As far as I’m aware, they’re still talking to each other and will go out again in the near future.

The Wisdom:

Dating and attraction are funny things.  Sassy Pants and I are similar in so many ways, which means we should be attracted to the same kind of man, but it just isn’t so – and that’s probably a good thing!  Mercifully, a situation that could have been painfully awkward was merely amusing.  We eDaters are all looking for something (even if we don’t know what that “something” is) and just because Mr. Collins couldn’t provide that something for me doesn’t mean he couldn’t provide it for someone else.

My new maritime analogy: One girl’s blow-fish is another girl’s salmon.

eDating Fun – Awkward First Phone Calls

In my opinion, the phone conversation is an archaic and annoying form of communication.  It still has its uses in the business world or when one wants to have an in-depth conversation with someone who lives far away, but if I want to talk to someone locally, I’d much rather meet that person for coffee and have a face-to-face conversation.  Unfortunately, in the world of eDating, the “first phone call” is an expected part of the progression before one gets to the actual date.  Among my friends who also eDate, there are a lot of good reasons to have the phone call:

  • You can get better sense of someone by the sound of his voice and how he talks.  This especially applies to people who need to love the sound of someone’s voice in order to be attracted.
  • You can learn more about a person faster via phone call than by exchanging a lot of emails.
  • Sometimes it’s a faster way of making plans to meet up than emails or text messages.
  • Multitasking is possible while on the phone.  You can enjoy the first awkward phone conversation during your long commute home from work.

These are all very valid reasons for the phone call, but no matter how good the reasons are for doing it, it doesn’t make the actual phone call any less awkward.  One of my eDating buddies, who’s blog alias will be Charlotte, said that one of the biggest let downs on the phone is when the person on the other end is bad at holding up his end of the conversation.  It’s laborious and exhausting if you have to do all the work – ask all the questions, create ways to make the phone conversation flow from one topic to another, provide information about yourself that he didn’t ask for just in the interest of keeping the conversation going, etc…

Mugsy (an alias for another friend who eDates) finds it irritating when he asks stupid questions he already knows the answer to. “I love it when the guys call and ask you what you are doing? What the fuck do you think I’m doing…? I’m talking to you! I think what they want to hear is, ‘I’m lying on the bed naked, rubbing my clit and dreaming of your hard pulsing cock inside me’. Why can’t it be ‘hi’?!”  I agree with Mugsy. The silly filler questions are really pointless. “So, how’s it going?”, “What are you up to?”, “What’s new?”.  These are all questions people ask when they don’t know what else to say.

Even though the first phone call can be a painful ordeal, through talking to Sassy Pants, Mugsy, and Charlotte, as well as a few other friends who are more experienced eDaters than me, I managed to compile some strategies to make that first call suck less:

  • Try to schedule the phone call so that you’re not cold-called and taken buy surprise at an inconvenient moment.
  • Do a little research before the call – review his profile, re-read any emails you exchanged – just so that you can remember more about him and be in a better mental state to have the first call.
  • Jot down a few questions you want to ask him so you have some back up if there are any awkward silences.
  • Have an exit strategy.  If the phone call becomes too painfully awkward or too long, have a graceful and polite way to get off the phone.  My favorite is, “Hey, so it was really great talking to you, but I’ve got to go walk my dog now.”  I like using that one because it’s generally true.

These strategies have definitely helped and improved my first phone call experiences, but I still would rather skip it and just meet him.  I’ve always felt I can learn so much more about a person when actually spending time in the same space with him. How attentive is he? What are his mannerisms like? Is he aware of other people around him? Does he make eye contact? Etc…

So, dear reader, what do you think?  Do you prefer to have a first phone call? Are there any strategies we could add to the list?  Please feel free to share any stories or tips in the comments!  (You can post anonymously, if you’d like, or email me at meghan.s.shaw@gmail.com with your comments and I’ll post them with an alias of your choosing.)

eDating Fun – Rejection, Phase I

Until recently, I considered eDating to be a strangely solitary activity.  I never wanted to try it because I envisioned millions of people alone on a Friday night, in pajamas, faces lit by the dim glow of the monitor, furiously typing to strangers who could be nothing other than soul mates.  Thankfully, the experience has been quite different for me – I started eDating with two of my girlfriends and having a support group through the whole ordeal has definitely been helpful!

When first setting up our profiles, one of my afore-mentioned friends (who, upon her request, shall henceforth be referred to in my blog as “Sassy Pants”) came over to my house where we enjoyed food, wine, and a little activity we like to call “eHarmonizing”. EHarmonizing consists of reviewing each others photos and profiles and helping one another to portray ourselves in a way that is both positive and accurate.

The next order of business in the eHarmonizing process is rejection.  Yep, that’s right: REJECTION.  In eDating, and on eHarmony specifically, there are ways to reject and be rejected at every phase of communication – even pre-communication!  Though it seems pretty harsh, we soon discovered that the best way to get rid of the guys we didn’t want to talk to was to close out the match before they had an opportunity to communicate.  End it before it begins!!!  These are some of the criteria for closing out a match:

  • Too short
  • Too fat
  • Too bald
  • Too boring
  • Too cheesy
  • Too sensitive
  • Too damaged
  • Too many spelling errors
  • Not enough information in the profile
  • Too much information in the profile
  • (I also tend to close out anyone who doesn’t fill out the question about a book he enjoyed.  I need a reader.)

Yes…we glean all this information and pass all these judgments just from a cursory glance at a profile.  Sassy Pants and I often joke that if the boys knew what we say about them, they’d probably cry.  That first evening of eHarmonizing was heavily punctuated with Sassy Pants shouting “No shorties!” and my exclamations of “No fatties!”

What a thrill I thought it was to be able to coldly dismiss men without remorse!  It was literally like shopping for shoes!  Then I learned what it was like to be closed out immediately.  No problem when it was someone I wasn’t even interested in, but when a good-looking, successful, active, well-educated man closed me out for no apparent reason, I immediately felt indignant – and maybe even a little bit hurt. “But you don’t even know me!” I said to my monitor.  Once my embarrassment for talking to my computer faded, I realized that it was true he didn’t know me – and I didn’t know him either.  What the hell do I care what one stranger thinks of my profile?  Not a bit. Bring on the next!  That’s a great thing about this whole process – there’s always a “next”.  For every good-looking, successful, active, well-educated man who doesn’t like my profile, there are another two who do like it.

Chronicles of a Crazy Cat Lady – Sleepovers

One of my biggest fears is that having three cats makes me completely un-date-able.  When I meet a potentially interesting fellow, I generally try to avoid the topic of pets all together in an attempt to avoid this conversation:

Potentially Interesting Fellow: So, any pets or anything? Dogs? Cats? Beta?

Me: I have cats. How about you? Any pets?

Potentially Interesting Fellow: Cats, huh? How many?

Me: Three. Do you have any pets?

Potentially Interesting Fellow: Three?! Is that a handful?

Me: Sometimes. What about you? Do you have a dog or anything? A parakeet? A trained monkey?

Potentially Interesting Fellow: Hm. Three cats.  Do you live with a boyfriend? A roommate?

Me: Nope. I live alone. Do you have a roommate?

Potentially Interesting Fellow: Alone. With three cats?

Me: ~Sigh~  Yes. Well, it was nice talking to you.  Have a nice day.

Various versions of the above conversation happen to me ALL THE TIME.  I often want to scream, “I’m not wearing a mumu and I don’t smell like cat piss!”  I’ve even considered lying about my cats and letting a potentially interesting fellow get to know me before mentally marking me as the Crazy Cat Lady, but what’s the point? If three cats are a problem initially, they’ll always be a problem.  (Anecdotally, when approached by decidedly uninteresting fellows, I tried to bring up the cats right away, hoping to end an impending miserable interaction before it began. However, each time I tried that tactic, it backfired and brought on a barrage of questions about my wonderful cats.)

So, dear reader, when taking into consideration the above disappointments, I’m sure you can understand my excitement when I found myself languishing in blissful post-coital exhaustion next to a man I considered to be brilliant, caring, charismatic, and just generally perfect for me.  While I listened to his breathing become regular as he drifted off to sleep, I let my guard down and allowed myself to think all the silly little thoughts I try to pretend I never think:  “Did that really just happen? Is he really that interested in me? Oh god, I can’t believe he’s here. That might have been the best sex I’ve ever had. Shit, he’s cute when he’s sleeping. I wonder if he could be it? If he’s not, is this the kind of guy I get to look forward to being with? Is it time for morning sex yet? I mustn’t appear too eager.  I really hope this turns into something amazing.” Etcetera.

Such was my mental state when my stream of girlish reverie was interrupted by the unmistakable heaving that precedes an enormous heap of cat barf.  My heart stopped. I crossed my fingers, hoping it was a false alarm. No luck.

Fatty heaved. Fatty hacked. And then…Fatty puked.

Very carefully, I turned my head to look at the man lying next to me. He appeared to still be asleep. Or he was too polite to acknowledge that my cat just vomited loudly. Shit! Where did Fatty puke? For a fleeting moment, I hypocritically reverted to Catholicism and prayed, Please, God, don’t let it be in his shoe! Slowly, I crept out of bed, barely breathing, as if holding my breath would keep him from waking.  Whether God heard me or Fatty just didn’t feel like puking in his shoe, I’ll never know, but I managed to clean up the mess (out of my shoe) and return to bed without notice.

That particular time I was very lucky, but that’s rarely the case.  Usually, all three of my cats are able to put me in strange and awkward social situations.  Lately, whenever inviting someone into my home, I find myself apologizing in advance. “The big black one over there, that’s Fatty. He barfs a lot, so I’m sorry for anything embarrassing he’s likely to do. Min is the fluffy one who is rubbing all over your ankles.  She doesn’t understand boundaries and will probably walk across your testicles at some point this evening. Sorry about that.  Oh, and the flash of fur that just ran by is Roxie.  She’s super shy and you won’t see much of her. She’s like this with everyone, don’t take it personally.”

Dear reader, after reading this, you may well wonder how it’s even worth it for me to have three cats.  Sometimes, in frustration, I wonder the same thing. But the truth is that I can’t imagine my life another way. The vast majority of my evenings are not spent lying next to someone I’m dying to love.  Generally, I am alone, reclined on my couch with a book. Alone, that is, except for Fatty at my side, Min on my stomach, and Roxie curled up beneath my knees.  My cats are non-negotiable fixtures in my life.  Old friends disappear to make way for new friends and men who are interested today inevitably leave tomorrow.  But no matter who rotates through my life, I can dependably go home to three furry little friends whose only demands are food and affection.